Cheers! Smile always! :) :) :)

In moments like these...

2006-07-01T03:32:00.000-07:00

This seems like some meaningful bunch of words. So captured and sharing it now. A good reflection for me in moments like these:

Sweet words are easy to say,

Sweet things are easy 2 buy,

But sweet people are difficult to find.

Life ends when you stop dreaming,

Hope ends when you stop believing,

Love ends when you stop caring,

Friendship ends when you stop sharing.

So share this with whom ever you consider a friend.

To love without condition,

To talk without intention,

To give without reason,

And to care without expectation,

Is the heart of a true friend...

Philosophy of Science? Yawn

2006-06-06T07:56:00.000-07:00

Remember back in uni whereby each faculty has their own t-shirt to identify themselves? It was cool then to design our own logo and put it on. There was 1 which was quite significant: "You study but you do not know what you are studying... The more you study, the more you do not know... You study EVEN more and the MORE you do not know... So why study?..."

Interestingly, I was reminded about this in the past week. A lecturer spoke on the philosophy of science and related a story:There was once an early brilliant scientist who had a lot of knowledge and made many discoveries. He later discovered the magnifying glass and thought he knew alot more. However, he then discovered the microscope and realized that he knew much much more until... he discovered the electron microscope... Thereafter, he realized that he actually knew very little.

Well, this is not an advocate to quit studying & the purpose of this is not to discourage studying or to wonder why we should even study. In fact, it is good to study, as we learn more about ourselves and the happenings around us. However, there are some people who have much knowledge but lack wisdom. The crust is: To be more humble, as one becomes wiser. The reason being, we really have a whole lot more to encounter and find out.

So, why do some people brag about what they know and shun other people etc. Actually, we learn that something is tentative, as long as there is evidence to prove that a particular truth stands. Tomorrow, there may be a another discovery which defeats the current one. Thus, we should accept it gracefully and continue to seek out the truth.

I wonder then, why do we not believe in God, since there is so much unknown in the world? I trust that God loves us enough to let us know what we need to know. Yet, we do not want to embrace the truth revealed to us, though there is proof and evidence resulting in changed lives. If there is much that we do not know, shouldn't we draw closer to the One who knows it all? This is not to judge or kutuk anyone, as we all travel through life on our own pace and face different issues etc. But for me, I would like to travel with the Expert.

Who says that Science is a big yawn?
-PC-

WWYD

2006-06-05T07:43:00.000-07:00

WWJD is the a famous phrase among a particular group of people. However, the topic for the day is WWYD- What would YOU do?

Would you risk a friendship going strenuous, if you told the truth? Doesn’t really matter what the “truth” means. It could be the truth about something negative related to the person involved. Or it could be true feelings…

Let’s apply the golden rule: “Do unto others what you would want them to do to you.” Would you want someone to tell you something true about yourself, though it is not really good? I guess I wouldn’t mind, though it would be little painful initially. Of course, tactfulness will be cool. It would be good to know, so that one can work at it or put effort to improve, instead of staying the same way which may lead to more trouble later on.

What about true feelings? Would you tell someone if you do not like him/ her? On the other hand, what if you like the other person? Would you share? Honesty is always the best policy. If you already feel that way, it's no point hiding. True friends tell the truth anyway. Probably it's weird to so in our Asian background. But it would be great to do so gracefully, with respect and with the friendship in mind. Eventhough you may not like someone, you can still be friends and "siblings."

But what makes us like another person anyway? I suggest it's openness, sincerity etc. Sometimes we are too judgemental perhaps. Or we may have prejudices, we discriminate and are just too closed up. Maybe it's time for change... So WWYD anyway?

-PC-

The thing they call "Love"...

2006-03-26T06:43:00.000-08:00

In the mood to blog. This time it's on a very well talked about topic.

Last Val's day on Feb 14, I recall the students being very excited, as lessons were put on a short hold and gave way to some slides on "Love." Wonder if the point went through clearly or did it not, as many were distracted and had other ideas in mind. I trust that there are many young readers here. Thus, this is just my 2 cents worth on the "hot topic."

Love: Everyone needs it, as we are made by God to love and be loved. It isn't just about love between a guy and a gal (a narrow definition of love) but it can also be love between parent- child, brother-sister, friend- friend, teacher-student, citizen-country, God-people etc. (a wider and real definition of love). That means our hearts can be so huge and overflow with love.

There are 3 types of love which I've heard of:
1. "If" love- I will only love you "if" you ..........(condition stated)

2. "Because" love- I love you "because" .......... (what you did stated)

3. "Eventhough" love- I love you "eventhough" ........... (the hurt done to you)

The 1st 2 loves are conditional while the 3rd is unconditional and is the most powerful. Love can't be bought or earned, though many people try to do so. However, that love is hardest, as many people are unable to comprehend it. But ultimately, God has set the example for us and shown us what true love is. If only we will allow ourselves to grasp this deep deep love...

Love heals even the deepest hurt and the world around us needs love amidst all the trouble. Will we be the agents of love?

Love isn't just a feeling, as it sometimes can fade. Love is a decision and commitment made consciously with strong intentions to stick by it. And it is possible with the help of the Maker....

There are several simple ways to show love:
Listening to others, spending time, giving gifts, a friendly touch, words of encouragement and a kind action done for the other person.

For more info, read 1 Corinthians 13. Tee hee. Funny that I should write about this topic. But it's been fun. End of lecture.

-PC-

Gal Pals

2006-03-26T05:27:00.001-08:00

It's been a way long day.... Huoh! Being up extra early on a Sunday took lots of effort. I didn't wanna go at first, but joining my family for the annual visits to the graves can be quite fun. The objective of going was more for my mum than the dearly departed. But whatever it was or whatever my reservations were, they don’t matter (especially when we had food as the motivation. Perak is famous for its delicacies at reasonable prices. Nah, just kidding.) If we treat it as a family outing, then it would be fine! Moreover, as Paul said “I became like one of them in order that I might win some.” (but with certain boundaries, of course!)

Came back tired and sleepy due to the long ride and delay caused by the heavy rain pour. Next, was a meet up with my gal pals. Dragged myself up after a mere 15 minutes of slumber. “Gotta go even though we would just chat about usual stuffs. Gotta keep the friendship going coz we haven’t met for some time.” (these were my initial feelings.)

Well, we did meet and have our usual talks. But all of a sudden, the conversation turned deeper, as I shared about some things happening in my life (or think it’s happening). It isn’t something that I would usually do, but I just did so. It’s amazing to see how the gals listened attentively, empathized and chipped in some advice. That also enabled them to share deeper things in their lives. It totally brought a new dimension and true meaning to our friendships of many years. I even told them so. Thanks, gals! This write up is especially dedicated to ya! :)

Guess sometimes we can be too closed up or independent. Friends (even family, church members and colleagues for that matter) have always been around and are ever so near. We just need to open up the door of our hearts and allow ourselves to be… ourselves. You will also find that those people would like to be real too…
Perhaps I apologize to the people whom I’ve closed up to and not reach out to. Hmm… how can I ever amend things? Dunno ler…

You know, at times, we tend to seek for a particular attention, love, material, position, success or position etc… in life. It may be a new job, possession, bf/gf, more money etc… And things may not go the way we would like it to be. We get upset or unhappy when we do not obtain them. But the fact of the matter is, we already have what we need. The rest are just extras or “bonuses.” Of course, we also need to plan and work our plan but it shouldn’t be the whole objective in life… Hence, “godliness with contentment is great gain.”

A song:
“Count your blessings,
Name them one by one, (One of them is- Gals Pals… The other is God’s abounding love)
You will be surprised at what the Lord has done.”

-PC-

Have you ever...

2006-03-06T05:45:00.000-08:00

Hmm... just completed a class and was observed. It went pretty ok except for some small glitches. But the evaluation was better that the one before.

Well, am trying to get use to these sessions and not let them stress me out because there will be more to come.

But over the weekend and even today, I feel rather low and "tak bersemangat." Have you ever felt that way? Tired of being goody and always doing the right thing? (Do I even do the right thing, by the way???)

Have you ever felt like not socializing and wanting to quit smiling? Why is it that I must always
do (or attempt to do) the right thing, only to find myself failing?

Why try to say nice things when I really do not feel like doing so? Why must I look out for others and be responsible (Am I even?), only to find myself drained out? Am I judging others and placing myself higher than I ought to be placed? Why am I discouraged? Why do I need to put on a strong front when I am not?

At times, I wish no one knew me. Wish there is a place to be where I can be free to be myself, not caring about what people think, say, act etc...

But, I am free and do not live for myself anymore. I have been redeemed and saved. No longer am I under the law or compulsion to do good but I am FREE to do the right thing...

Need there be any more reasons to do what's correct and right? Please help me, Lord....

-PC-

Blogging here isn't the wisest thing to do as there are over 200 people out there who might get to see this, plus their "network." But all I am saying is that, we are all humans. We need not hide, we need not fake. We are free to be and express ourselves...

Thoughts Jots....

2006-03-05T06:46:00.000-08:00

Wow! It's already March. 1 sixth of the year has gone by. Time is just so precious and needs to be used well to do important stuffs. On the contrary, I just love to laze around :P
Well, much has happened in the past few months. My schedule has been jam-packed as ever (I always say that). But will take time to blog as it is therapeutic in it’s own way, though it shouldn’t be idolized.

Nothing extraordinarily significant happened that I can remember except for a few events:-
1. CNY was celebrated on a moderate mode. (CNY’s way over! I gotta blog sooner!). Got a bit more cash this year but didn’t get to visit as many friends as I wanted to. No one initiated anything including myself. Heheh!

2. Attended a talk on “Counseling” for 2 weeks. I went for it more so because it was my “duty.” I sat and joined the sessions with much caution and carefulness, as an observer more than a participant.

On the 1st day, the talk was about:-
1. Bitter Roots and Inner Vows
People make inner vows in their lives without even realizing it sometimes. People usually judge others for a certain action and vowed selfishly by their own willpower, saying that they will not to be like others. However, we fail and fall into that same judgment because we 1st judged. Hmm… deep.

2. Heart of Stone.
It is a defense mechanism which people put up that leaves them lonely. “Spiritual” people tend to fall into this because they only know how to minister but do not allow themselves to be ministered by others. It happens due to early built up disappointments in life. Having a stony heart breaks corporate-ness, causes delusion, burnout and many may fall into temptations, as they attempt to face it alone. The way to heal this is through prayer and accountability with others. Even deeper…

The 2nd session was on
1. Prenatal Wound
This part states that the baby in the womb is very sensitive and is capable of sin. Modern research found that “wrong gender babies”, abortion, insecurity in parents, monetary problems, accidental babies and suicide affect a fetus in the womb.

2. Basic Trust
Basic trust is the fundamental building block in human relationships. We need to trust and it is the ability to keep the heart open to others & life, even if hurt. We were exalted to be vulnerable, bounce back and recover from hurts. And if we have been hurt before, it is ok. We can be healed by a friendly touch, encouraging words & prayer. People who can’t trust tend to comply to peer pressure or dominate in relationships.

3. Ministering in the Power of The Cross
Pelagianism is a teaching which says that we can go on in life by our own strength while Gnosticism intercedes that knowledge is everything. We trust that the cross of the Lord will see us through. And when we do want to change, it isn’t to improve our self image but it is all for the sake of our Christian identity. The way to healing is to pray aloud in the presence of the person.

All those notes above are really intellectual stuffs which I manage to vaguely take down. Still trying to digest them. Guess the talk did have an impact on me, especially the part on “Heart of Stone.” I realized that through the years, a shield has been built around me. The ability to lend a genuine sympathetic ear has ceased. Oh, I do not want to have a stony heart, locking myself in and leaving people out of my life for we are meant to live in a community.

Amazingly, at the end of the seminar, I turned from a passive observer to an open “seeker” too. Everyone was given a chance anyway. At first, I felt like a white mice, ready for dissection, as all the eyes were glued on me in anticipation for my sharing and story. Am glad I did share, though it wasn’t easy and nothing miraculous happened. But my soul was greatly blessed, lifted and encouraged. Some friendships were formed too. I now understand myself better and know where I would like to head, though it isn’t easy. The human nature tends to slouch back into the comfort zone of independence, self-reliance and pride…. I guess the key is not to be “sickly dependent” or “overly independent” but as the Lord’s body, we really ought to be “healthily inter-depending” on one another and lean ever closely to our Maker. Hmm…..

-PC-

Praise Him for the past and trust Him for all that's to come

2006-01-16T17:30:00.000-08:00

2006 is here! It’s good to blog again. It’s a personal way to pause, reflect back and check oneself. Well, the past year ended well though I was very occupied. There was much to thank God for.

1. The choir. We went on several “road shows” to Klang and Malacca. It was a fascinating experience as we served through songs and narrations. I especially enjoyed the “feasts” after the evangelistic meetings :). Most of all, I was really blessed, seeing the church people working together and “complimenting” one another. At first, there weren’t enough cars to transport all of us but people just came forward and volunteered to help. It was most heart warming.
Though some people I invited could not come and it wasn’t easy to smile so much, all in all, it was a memorable experience. The choir had her thanksgiving recently and we were all very tickled when we viewed the video. Singing a solo part was tough too but the team was great in cheering me on and the nervousness just faded away…..

2. YF Camp: Was really glad that I could join the YF even though it was just for a mere day or so. Went to camp right after choir and arrived at way past midnight! Shiok! Made me feel youthful again! :P Really enjoyed the abseiling and the talks. I trust that the speaker spoke to the teenagers for it surely did speak to me. The games were fun too. Wish I could stay on. Seeing the students plan and lead was most inspiring as well.

3. Reflection: I remember asking my ministry leader: Can a person have issues and not know about it? “Yes.” Was thankful that I was able to clear some stuffs regarding ministry. Wanted to quit/ move on but was exalted by some people to persevere. Looks like I’ll be here to stay for at least another year. Sometimes, the matters of the heart ain’t easy but am learning to offer up each hurt, emotion and experience to Him….

The New Year celebrations came and went but yet the excitement of a new beginning is still very fresh. School started and I met my students. Really enthusiastic in meeting them and love them already. Though they are not all angels, I just want to give them the best. I am teaching Sc, Maths and PE (unbelievable!) now and enjoying them thoroughly though a lot of effort is needed.

Well, it’s going to be a long year and journey ahead. There will be much to do for the Dip Ed course (reports, lesson preparations, assignments, sitting for exams etc. Phew!) Yet, I know that I will be able to make it through and immerge victorious over them, not by my own but through Him who will strengthen me (Philipians 4:13). He has proven to be faithful and will continue to be....

It’s my prayer too to:
- Be more of a people person regardless of how I see myself or think how people think of me
- Be more passionate about all that I do
- Love my Lord with my all

Please empower me... The mind is willing but the flesh is weak...
-PC-

Spring Clean, New Beginning...

2005-11-30T17:50:00.000-08:00

Well, for most people, holidays are usually short. For me, it could have been long until I enrolled in a course- on teaching. So most of my days will be spent here in college until the mid of Dec...

At least I had a week off before I hit the books again last 21 Nov. That week was precious, as I sorted out and spring cleaned my room. "Treasures" (more like garbage) of many years were trashed out like notes, have eaten chocolate bars (just kidding!) etc. Ah... but there were some hidden and priceless treasures and gems, which I will not throw away even after a long long time. Guess what? They are cards, letters and notes of encouragement from many people. Those are really dear to me. Eventhough they may have turned yellowish, the words have faded and some parts may have been torned, they are still "gold and silver" in my sight.

This made me think: No wonder the Bible came along. Words are really precious and are good reminders. We may have forgotten about them but once we read those words of encouragement again, they would truly lift your soul. I must admit that the cards edified me when I was silently discouraged.... So thanks to friends of old who sent me those stuffs many many years ago... If only you knew what they mean to me...

Ok, moving along, I guess a spring clean means a new beginning and wanting to move on in life. Guess it is symbolic. At times, we may have carried loads and and burdens with us which we refuse to let go. Guess I do wat to move ahead. Besides, it will be December tomorrow. Soon, the new year would be here again. I sure to take time to reflect on the year that is ending and prepare for 2006.

Subsequently, I did manage to do some reflecting here in college. Spending most evenings on my own by choice. I could travel back to PJ but prefer to stay here, where it is quiet, peaceful and less distracting.

During the 1st day of the stay in college, it was a bit saddening. The room had 6 beds (single and double deckers) with a small (rotten) table and chair but no closet (what do you expect? The price is really low). I thought to myself: What if someday, life would be permanently like this? Hard, but I will still try to adapt. That's a whole new topic altogether...

Thankfully, I got another room which has better facilities. So I am pretty comfy there now. Spent most of my time sleeping (hehe!), eating (double heheh!), doing some work, reading, going online and praying too. Such precious times...

Got to be going off now in order to not spend too much time on 1 thing...

A dawn of a new beginning is coming soon,
-PC-

Road Runner

2005-11-27T18:00:00.000-08:00

Wow! It has been more than a month since I last wrote. Maybe coz no one reads anymore but it's fine coz there would be freedom of expression. Have been like road runner lately- on the go all the time but do not know what I am really running after. Hehe!

Let's see: The past month had been happy- with bday celebration and school coming to an academic end. The students were so sweet. They actually bought me a cake. Maybe I should post some pictures of them. It was also a heart-warming thing, as almost all the YF staff members came for my bday dinner, including the HM of a famous school! Was so touched. My only regret was not being able to pay for dinner. So hopefully the "door gift" would be enough. We had delicious seafood and the best being cheesy crab with golden "man tau" (buns). Most of all, I was grateful for the thougthfulness and the gathering of the people. Sigh... what more could you ask for? My CG also had some sort of gathering for all the October babies. Everyone's just putting so much effort into being kind...

The school year came to an end too. Had a good closure. We had quite a big class party, as I tried to invite as many people as possible to come over. It's really great to have so many people around (though sometimes it is tiring and we need to be alone). The kids ate to their hearts' content and dance to the music. We ended the year with a school trip to the Science center in Bukit Kiara. An interesting place all together. Sadly, we had to say goodbye to some teachers who were leaving.

Aiks, to be continued.....

La Dee Da...

2005-10-23T21:38:00.000-07:00

Hungry but lazy to fix something to eat... Then the question would be: How hungry am I really?
If you want something bad enough, you would do something about it... Cheh.. philosophical.

In a cheery mood. Have been listening much to sermons and they really make you think about life. But kinda lack energy to blog it out now.

October always gives me the happy feeling. Coz the year end is coming, many celebrations this time around. :) Some stuffs to look forward to as well- Camps, retreats etc...

Oh, by the way, singing is a good way to control your hunger. Only thing is: You feel more hungry after singing that while doing it. I am crappy today.

Ah, I hear dinner calling me. They are back.

La dee da,
-PC-

Much to do about nothing...

2005-10-17T10:55:00.000-07:00

Not sure as to what to share. Noticed that many blogs are slowing down too. Anyhow, many things happened too quickly and the excitement of it all has died down. For one, some friends came back from abroad. We had some time catching up. Some have left again while others stayed on. I realised that people change with time and circumstances. That is perfectly normal and all right. It's just that, we tend to live in the past and not appreciate the present...

Well, another highlight would be my appraisal. Met up with my bosses: 2 on 1. It was a good time of talking and wasn't as scary as it seems. They should have talks like this more often. Having it at the end of the year doesn't really make a difference because everything will change in the coming year. We shared about the students- academically and socially.

Then, I had to open my mouth: Requested to be moved to the secondary school. They are most likely to agree and I may be given an examination class. It would really be a challenge but would love to give it a try. Need to work extra hard but I guess this is the time to do so.
Lastly, he said: "Keep up the good work." That was an encouragement but I long to hear it more from my Maker.... Besides, He is my real Boss...

As the academic year comes to a close, studies are slowing down. Yet, there is much to do- administration work, "entertaining" the students with activities, planning for the coming year etc.. There is much to do still. But work wise, all is ok.

Yet, I know there is much more to do with life.. Am still discovering and wanting to have a greater encounter with my Lord. Have been using work as an excuse not to spend quality time with Him. Have been running away from issues in life. Interestingly, a friend shared that it is possible to have issues and not know them. I guess I would be too "lazy or busy" to face them. More like avoiding them. "How to face them when I am too tired or do not have the ability to face those trials? Just sleep on them ler..."

Help me, Lord... really....

Much to do about nothing,
-PC-

Roller coaster...

2005-09-30T15:55:00.000-07:00

Have not been blogging in a while. Now, I am doing so in the quietness of my workplace. Finished my work and everyone else has left very early.

The past week has been an emotional roller coaster for me. Do not really know the cause of it. Was it work or emotional pity that I feel? Funny thing is, I feel really good now, after completing the test papers. Plus, all the books have been marked and returned! :) Am glad that school is out for the week. The students have been really rebellious this week. Am beginning to salute myself for the ability to hold in anger, which usually doesn't happen. Yeah!!

Haven't had the time to sit down, relax and listen. As yet, 2 of my friends have told me that I have not been listening hard to my Maker. Perhaps that's the cause of the emotional turmoil.

Subsequently, there were several preachings on money in church for the past few weeks. I really wonder what the future would be like. I know He will be there and He would provide. Yet, I still think of life without my parents and having to fend for myself. Despite all the jokes about girls, I would still wish that I would be able to purchase my own home and vehicle. They do not have to be expensive ones. Just an ordinary and simple one.

However, it seems that they can only be a dream for there is a study loan to pay off and (of all things), I channeled my money for further studies. Oh well, perhaps it will all come true someday. For as they say, "It starts with a dream..."

At times, I feel envious of people with their own nice place to share with others. Wish I could do the same and need not be dependent on others. Moreover, His Word did tell us to work hard and not be a burden to other people. Of course, His Word did say that we ought to share with those in need too...

Well, for now, I guess I should just live from day to day and live each day as meaningfully as possible.

Off for the weekend now,
-PC-

I can't hear....

2005-09-27T10:10:00.000-07:00

Lord, I can't hear You eventhough I think I've know You for years now...

A thorn in my flesh...

2005-09-04T21:03:00.000-07:00

A quick entrée before a new week begins. Last week was a little stressful for me despite the Merdeka holiday (which was a good break). Received a complaint about myself but it was all lies/ a distortion and not what it appears to be as seen. Felt sad because I put in much effort in my work and all the explaining tired me out (Hate to explain myself). It was like a thorn in my flesh. For once in my life, I had insomnia. Nevertheless, thank God for seeing me through that episode in my life.

Also, managed to share my faith with a person who asked me about it. He was really searching and I trust that he found what he was searching for. (I have to censor much of the story to protect one another’s privacy. Or maybe I am just a private person). Though now there are still some thoughts in my mind and fears in my heart, they will not be shared here and I am giving it all to God. Thanks also to all those who encouraged/ prayed for me during that tough time.

The break on 31 August was a memorable one. My school friends came along with my church friends to a waterfall. That place was beautiful. The hike in the jungle and across the river was a great workout. Got to know some people better through our journey together, as we helped each other along the way. That would be 2 hikes in 4 days. Phew!

Today, I bid farewell to a dear sis. She would be leaving for the “Land of the cows and sheep.” Miss her already. For the past few months, we had a great time talking, joking and hanging out. Would really miss those times eating together, disturbing guys (more like her disturbing them “for” me.), swimming, window shopping, serving in church, going for musical fests and just simply spending time together. My only regret was be not seeing her off or meeting up for the last time before she left. Well, but with technology, we need not worry. It’s only up to us to pick up the phone or type an email. Farewell dear sis. Enjoy your stay there. Keep the faith. Keep in touch.

This seems to be the theme of my life. It isn’t easy to get to know someone well. But when I eventually do, that person has to go some place etc. Well, it is hard to say goodbye, but it has to be done with maturity. And this reminds me of what someone said during one of the hikes: “You can take care of yourself.” Indeed I think so too. However, it is also great to not take things for granted. It would be good to have someone to look out for and to be looked after by another. Never mind, through it all, I am once again able to feel the love of God surrounding and embracing me in such a special and comforting way. Anyhow, I intend to appreciate my friends more, especially my gal pals from school, who have been with me for many years now. Thanks, ladies!

One final thought: This life of busyness and being “modern” can be so saddening. I got to get updates about a friend only by reading her blog. And found out that her sis met with an accident! “Too bad and too sad” for we are too far apart or occupied to talk. Yet another sis is still mourning over the death of a loved one and I had no part in being there for her. I feel like knocking myself on the head and I do not know how to just “be there” for them… Subsequently, the sharing from the pulpit today was about fellowship. Oh, how I know the theories and yet they are not lived out. “To deny others of fellowship is wrong too.”

-PC-
Quote: “Be like streams of living water and not like the Dead Sea. Let there be an in flow and out flow in my life…”

Happy Holidays!

2005-08-27T20:35:00.000-07:00

The holidays started with a trip to Genting with 2 of the brothers from church. We were to attend some youth consultation (or conference). Met some old friends, made some new ones, learnt much there and it was truly encouraging to see the enthusiasm of other youth workers, both young and old.

Something funny(?) happened. Well, it wasn't too funny when it happened. My church members were socializing. They kept appearing and disappearing again (likes Chipsmore!). It was night time and was time to go back to the chalets. Well, I freaked out because the chalets were 10-15 minutes of walking distance away. Walking was no sweat but it ws malam la woi! So I had to thicken my skin and asked for a lift from the other people. (I really hate asking for favours!) At the time when it happened, I felt a bit sad. "Why did they do this? They can hang out la, just let me know or tell me to find my own way back or something." No communication is worse than being left out.

It didn't feel that bad initially until I returned to my room. My roommate asked "Where were your church members? Didn't they send you back?" Well, it was like rubbing salt on an open wound :P Based on my character, I would just keep it to myself. “Am I too sensitive?” But I chose to SMS one of my church members, not to feel important but I felt that it is all right to be honest with people we work closely with. I didn't do it to make them feel bad but just to create an awareness.

In our meetings and in the conference itself, we talked a lot about cliques. That was a typical scene of the effects of a clique-ish group. Cliques tend to exclude and not include. We all have that very natural tendency to be with people who are the same as us. Sometimes, people do it unintentionally. In this case, it was a guy’s clique. There were no girls in the group. That was why, I already forgave the brothers at the time I typed the SMS. Moreover, guys can sometimes be (ahem…) blur(?) I hope that the experience will help everyone to realize that cliques can hurt and people who love God need to learn to include others, especially if we want to reach out.

In the past, as a youth, I realized the effects of cliques but have somehow forgotten how it felt to be “left out.” Well, I remember now. And I would want to always try to look out for newcomers or people who are usually on their own.

Haha! Later, I learnt that the brothers went out for supper that night! And they even went to pick up another guy who stayed at the same block as me!! Argh! Hmph! Looking back, it seems funny. I am sure my church member will allow me to share this story because he even shared it with other people, when I told him not to! Hmph again! Well, I think we know each other better now and can understand one another better. In fact, he is like an older brother to me and is praying for me (I hope… knowing his forgetfulness!).

“Include, do not exclude.”

Returned to PJ on the night of 21 Aug and joined the OA youths for a trip to the zoo. The zoo looked good and I enjoyed myself thoroughly. Had a good time watching the animals and fellowshipping. I was really encouraged too by the YFers who took up the call to serve as leaders. Although I was really tired after the conference, was glad that I made it for the OA camp, even for just a day. Managed to talk to some youths who came to know Him recently. Also, hung out with little Nurul (one of the OA kids). She has grown so much. She is more friendly now and was not cold. It was tough breaking the ice with her last year but she said she recognized me from last year. We had a good time together. Will miss her much. May the OA youths continue to grow in Him. In addition, I just want to praise God for all the YAFers for their dedication and efforts. It was a blessed time together.

What else did I do? Attended some health talk with my mom, had a hair perm (It was a disaster! Be happy with the look God gave you :P) and named my EPF beneficiaries. Besides my family members, I also named 2 friends. You know who you are. So if I die, please combine your portions and here is the distribution:
25%- TLC, 25%- Missions, 25%-An orphanage that reaches out, 12.5%- Malaysian Association for the Blind, 12.5%- Feast for friends at funeral.
Please do not conspire to kill me because the amount is really small! Haha!
Went for the Sunrise Jazz Fest too. It was “cun.” Hung out at Starbucks and got a call from Mr Manager coz my pals were so “kind” to misscall him with my phone. It was a prank by my friend to set me up! Good thing it didn’t work! :P

Today: Went for a hike at FRIM. It was 4 hours but I do not feel that tired. I have still got “it.” Heheh! Teachers have great leg muscles. Had a good time interacting with kids and getting to know the younger gals. But they really did not enjoy the hike. We celebrated some birthdays too. :) Mom came along due to her rising interest in herbal plants. Was glad that she could interact with one of the ladies from church.

Ok, enough for now. Back to work liao. Only a day more to go until the fun ends. Anyhow, it has been a great and fruitful holiday.

-PC-

What's been up?

2005-08-27T20:31:00.000-07:00

What's been up? Had a lot more time in my hands than usual but did not make an effort to blog. Well, it all started with the haze. It was at its peak on 11 Aug. That night, I was out attending a talk about insurance. Am a little interested in it now.

Friday, 12 Aug: The school declared it as a holiday. Took the opportunity to run some errands. This time, it was to make my I.C. Met a church member there and had a good time catching up. It's good to know that he is enjoying his uni life.
Thereafter, I decided to spend some time by myself in KLCC. Had lunch, window-shopped and bought some accessories. It's good to spend time by myself. I do enjoy my own company sometimes, as much as I enjoy the company of others.

Due to the haze, the school examination was pushed back. Many papers were postponed. The week commencing 15 Aug was a stressful one, as I had to reschedule the exam dates, mark the papers, review the papers with the students and prepare for the coming Canteen Day. However, everything went well. The students improved too. A boy, who failed his test the first time, scored 89 marks this time around. :)

Canteen Day: It was superb to say the least. Some parents were really helpful. We were selling curry laksa together. Business went well. The kids did great too. They went around selling stuffs and managed to sell off everything. I loved the ambience of the day and the wonderful music playing in the background. The Treasure Hunt by my scouts was a smashing success too:) Truly the charity event was a success and may the orphans benefit from the donation. Thanks to everyone and all glory to God!

Ah.... then came the school holidays. Brought books back with the intention to plan lessons and set papers. But only touched them yesterday. More about the holidays in my next entrée. Want to make this one short.

-PC-

A Quiet Evening...

2005-08-07T21:37:00.000-07:00

For you romantics out there, I am sorry to disappoint you again- This is not about a romantic quiet evening. Haha!

Was suppose to hang out tonight but am sort of glad for the change of plans. The past few days have been lazy hazy (daisy?) for me. Spending a quiet evening at home seems to be the best thing. My folks and the rest of the family members are out. Feel lonely? Don’t be, dude. Quietness isn’t that bad. The yakking all day and music all night would sometimes drown the most important sound of all- the inner voice or the HS, as we call Him... Cheh wah! In fact, the h/p and pc can be rather distracting too. Well, that’s really modern life or that’s what people call it…

What’s hot?: Attended a talk last weekend on “Counseling Teens.” I guess it would be good for my work in the school and also in church. Had great insights from that session and was all excited to put them into practice.
What’s not?: Somehow, that bubble was burst due to some comments by a students. But take heart coz as the speaker said- it wasn’t going to be easy. The key is to keep loving and not give up on them!

On a more positive note: Was racing with some kids during PE. Was fun but I fell. So clumsy! Also, managed to “hang out” with a kid online today. We attempted to play an online game together. But somehow, I could not “open the door.”
“Keep trying teacher.” He was so patient, excited and enthusiastic, a side I never really saw before. He even telephoned and we had an audio conversation online! These kids are so well-versed and advance, even talented, to say the least.

This reminded me of an article which I read in the papers about kids on the Net. Many of them are left there unmonitored. Some have fallen into the trap of the cyber abusers via child pornography, mind manipulation etc. Poor kids- they are rich materially, yet poor in many other aspects. But it isn’t all gloomy. There is always hope. Of course there is a positive side to the use of the Net. The challenge is really to incorporate it into daily lessons and our lives in an enriching manner…

On another occasion, I was “scolding” a student for his losing his book. I asked him to get a replacement, only to hear him say: “My parents are too busy, just in case you didn’t know.” It broke my heart to realize that these kids are not the way they are for no reason. Adults are just “too busy!” Well, anger turned into pity, as the truth about him sunk in…

Ok ok, something happier: My convo will be on Wed, 10 Aug. Not a strategic time but it is ok. Expecting a quiet one this time, as it is a work day. But the thought of it reminded me of my very first convo in 2003. That was really a memorable one. Was thrown into the air 6 times and it was really an unforgettable event with many people to share it with.

Somehow, the excitement is less this time. I seem to think that it is nothing to shout about. However, I really must and want to thank God for seeing me through these 2 years, as I took up the course. I knew nothing at the beginning (still do not know much now!) and yet He kept me through it when I wanted to quit and give up. Amazingly, He gave me the strength and stamina to go on. Last year, I was trying to be “super girl”- work was until 5.30pm. Thereafter- night classes from 6-9pm (3 nights in a week) and that was followed by choir practice until about 11pm (2 nights in a week). That’s what I call “self-termination.”

Looking back, I wonder in amazement, as to how it was done. Truly all glory and honour be to Him alone. Praise God for watching over my coming and going, especially at night! (Read Psalms 121 for more UMPH!)

Another thought: It is really encouraging to see people younger than me being more involved and committed in the activities in church. I wish I could join in the quest but there are some limitations. I should not make excuses and this is not an arena to justify myself, yet I just can’t though I would really love to. But He comforts me by saying: Be like Mary…

-PC-

Thought for the day: “Value people and use stuffs.” Not the other way: Value stuffs and use people.

Updates

2005-07-17T20:57:00.000-07:00

Just a quick posting as I have something to do.

Well, since the last time I wrote, several happenings took place. For one, I fell ill again. This time, it wasn't such a speedy recovery. Went to see the doctor. Have not done so in years as I always slept on my sickness. Anyhow, it is good to be okay again but have to refrain myself from the durians.

What else? Well, Mr Manager SMSed. Didn't know what to reply back. My friends are so "helpful" in giving away the number. Anyhow, so what? It was just a message and it was left as it is. Tee hee!

Have been rather active too. Went swimming and have been playing badminton too. I really enjoy the badminton games as they are usually with the "naughty" students in school. Hopefully with these times of informal interactions, they would be more teachable and less resistant to studying.

I am beginning to feel comppasionate towards them and see them beyond their naughtiness. Beneath all that is their need for love, attention and a role model. I am not exactly the best one for them but I am starting to care for them more though I used to be rather agitated by their misbehaviour.

Once, the naughty boys were accused of stealing. I felt so sorry and pitiful for them. Their bad reputation got them into trouble but this time they didn't do it. They fell face down and sad too for being falsely accused. Well, but being in that school, it is easy to get off the hook, even if someone really committed an offense. But I was glad that they weren't the culprits. Managed to speak to them and encouraged them a little. Hopefully, they would choose to want to shake off the bad name. On the other hand, I know I need to be cautious as some kids are good actors. Punishment must be given when necessary.

Another good news would be that CF has been approved in school. Well, I never really prayed about it but God was gracious anyway. To me, it was a "Of course I will support it la." And everything else would be ok. Never really gave it much thought until we received a reminder from the authorities asking us to be more careful. One student who wasn't suppose to be there, came for one of the meetings. So, we need to thread carefully.

Other than that, everything is ok. Helping out in some committees and activities in church- 3 camps coming up actually. Feeling a bit tired already. I hope that I can stay focus and not be distracted by the doing.

Besides that, the big news would be about London. Mom was saying how thankful she was for her trip was earlier in June. Well, I guess we can't escape forever, which proves once again that our lives are but a breath and it is vital to keep the important things in mind....

Ok, here's to another week ahead, another routine but am sure it will be great! Time to get back to some work.
-PC-

Snippets of the Brain

2005-07-04T01:23:00.000-07:00

First of all, a word of thanks to all who dropped by. Thanks for your time and comments. Sorry la, I am too lazy to reply back sometimes (lame excuse!) unless it is a controversial issue/ something I really wanna say. But I really do appreciate the funny, encouraging words etc...

Just a snippet on what's been going through my feeble brain this week. Got to get it off my head or I can't sleep just thinking about them.

Hot Day:
It was really sunny on Friday, a really hot day. Moreover, we had sports practice in school in preparation for Sports Day on Saturday.

In between the practices, I managed to call up the university regarding the problem with the fees. Was overcharged and thought the problem was already settled in February before the examinations. The problem reoccurred. "No payment, no convocation." Have to make another trip to the uni, as the officer wanted another letter from the person in charge to clarify the matter.

Just imagine, saving most of your money and being thrifty most of your life and now they are overcharging the fees? It's ok if it is necessary to pay. But to pay again is a waste. Expressed my frustration to mum on the way home (maybe in a wrong way) but did not get a sympathetic ear. On the other hand, she connected my frustration to a totally unrelated and sensitive issue. Ask me about it and I'll tell you. Felt angry and hot. (And just the other day I was telling a friend to stay cool with his mum when she nags!)

Thank God the issue was finally settled after a meeting with the officer. The trip under the hot sun was worth it after all. At times, I really wish that I have hot wheels of my own but that is another story all together. Have stopped asking for years now and am contented with things as it is.

Got a fever that evening. But had a speedy recovery too. Wah! A "hot day" indeed!

A Few Good People:
In the month of June alone, LC bid farewell to a few good people. Yup, said bye to them all and wished them well too. To me, studying in a place away from home is a good thing. One can learn to be independent and appreciate the comforts of home. (People can't take you for granted too. Heheh!). Being in a different place and environment broadens the mindset and allows us to see things from another perspective instead of the usual way. It doesn't matter if the students choose to settle down in their place of study, though we would really want them to return. Most importantly is: They continue to put God 1st and let Him lead their lives. So people, wherever you are: "Keep the main thing, the main thing!" All the best!

2 Worlds Apart:
Watched 2 TV programs today. Something more meaningful than the usual stuffs I watch.
The 1st was about a journalist who stayed a few weeks in Utopia, East Africa. He wanted to experience how life was over there-How it was to be hungry and having to labour really hard, just for a simple meal.

The second program (running on another channel, almost immediately after the 1st) showed how rich and famous people were traveling all over the world, tasting different cuisines and having much to eat.

Don't get me wrong, it's not wrong to travel, eat or have fun. But it just shows that different people live in different conditions and we (more like I) tend to complain about what we do not have. Can we say that life isn’t fair? Well, life isn’t the same but do we have the right to demand for how life ought to be?

Tempel 1 Comet:
Read something interesting from the papers. Apparently, there is a comet moving near earth on Monday. This time, the scientists are sending a projectile to collide into the comet in order to obtain more info on the origin of the solar system. Check out the original article yourself. A bit technical la.... Anyway, it is going to be risky but "it is worth the risk." (Quote, unquote)

Well, there are so many things beyond our knowledge and it is hard to comprehend or even control them. All the more I need a Supervisor to lead, help and guide me through this life.

Kids in trouble:
A friend experienced this. He was in KL and bumped into some kids who were selling stuffs in the wee hours of the night. He and his friend wanted to help them but they feared too, as they noticed that there was a suspected child syndicate nearby. But in the end they took up the courage and called up the people in charge but sadly, help wasn’t really on the way.

I remember when I was a kid, mum told us stories of how some kids were kidnapped and smuggled to neighbouring countries where their limbs were amputated. This was to obtain the sympathy of those passing by. They were to beg for money or food for the syndicates.

As kids, we were just told to be careful. Now older, we easily walk by these young ones and are just glad that it didn’t happen to us.

And then? What can we do? It ain’t an easy question but it is worth pondering over… There is a struggle between our own welfare and that of the victims'. Many have gotten themselves into trouble because they didn’t “mind their own business.”

Summary:
So many thoughts, my brains are fried. So many things are happening around us. We may know them but we might ignore them. Hopefully the TV, papers, education and interaction with people can open our eyes a little bit more and spur us to solid, practical and impact-ful actions. It is easier if there is corporate action.

On the other hand, there are so many occurrences that are beyond my control. The future is so vague. All the more I need guidance. And if God is God, the loving Designer of the world, would He not show us how to live in uncertain times like this? Seeing how big God is melts the petty issues in my life, like the one related in “Hot Day.” Knowing that He is so great and yet He laid eyes on me (you too for the matter), just leaves me speechless….

“I am but a grain of sand, a speck of dust, a drop in the ocean, a puff of breath, but You come to me…………”

-PC-

Em BAR Rassing....

2005-06-26T21:36:00.000-07:00

Haha! That’s my 1st thought. How do I start? Well, some friends and I went to a famous restaurant where another friend works as a bartender. It is a decent restaurant with a bar, ok? We went there twice in less than a week for 2 friends celebrated their birthdays and chose the same venue.

We chose to sit at the bar to keep our friend company and to enjoy his fellowship I suppose. Everything went on as per normal-makan, yak, jokes etc... Well, what do you know? By casually saying that someone is handsome can lead you into a mess? Well, the manager was handsome la, ok? So Burn (the bartender friend) was “excellent” in his service. A gal pal wrote a letter (signed as my name!!) on a piece of tissue and Mr Burn delivered it specially. He also got the manager’s signature and we all took a pic together. Well, I managed to explain a little (My friends are crazy), shook his hands and introduced myself. He was cool coz he didn’t flirt (maybe coz he saw me. Haha!) but he was very sporting la…. Haha! It’s was embarrassing yet funny and fun to let your hair down once in a while and play along with your friends but don’t go overboard. However, pity the guy for having to put up with an ugly duckling. Hope he won’t be traumatized!

No wonder it is dangerous to go to pubs or discos where people can get drunk easily, have their drinks spiked and there are so many strangers out there waiting for a victim.
I guess we should learn to have good clean fun and not play around with fire. Next time we ever hang out, I suggest swimming or badminton ok?

Meanwhile, some people are passing on that story about the bar incident in church. There goes my identity…. (What identity!)

Here’s to more laughs ahead. Cheers(?!),
-PC-
P/S: If Mr Manager ever reads this, can you call me? :P No way!!

P/S/S: Yet another thought, a friend said that we may not know a person but even when meeting someone for the 1st time, we can know that a person is caring through talking. The friend went on: "By talking to you, I know that you are a person that is secretive and do not like to share much about yourself." Perhaps... so is that no good or what? Hmmm....

Quote from Mr SS's friend:"It is hard to find someone to really talk to (a genuine friend) these days- (whether it is a guy or a gal)" Quite true, so pray lor! :)

Church Retreat

2005-06-26T20:32:00.000-07:00

The month is also exciting because of the church retreat. The dates clashed with the course I attended, so I only managed to go during the weekend. Yet it was a fruitful time. The person in charge of transport was really helpful in making the necessary arrangements. Thank you, Uncle EH.

At camp, the late comers were warmly welcomed. Though I missed many of the cool activities which happened on the day before (i.e: boiling the eggs at the hot springs), it was still worth going.
A highlight would be “The Fun Afternoon” which really got us all together, as the young and old interacted together in a time of games and laughter. Other than that, I really enjoyed the fellowship at the gals’ bungalow, where we blasted the radio and played taboo, chomping away on junkies. Plus, the usual gals’ talk was also very funny, as the usual teasing went on. Hmm…. Things don’t change much, no matter how old or young you are huh? :P

More importantly, were the talks and discussion sessions. Only managed to catch 3 talks. The speaker gave us a global view on what is happening around the world and how God is working. It is really makes me feel that I am not doing much. Interestingly, he shared that as a missionary, there are certain times that he really did not feel like going back to the mission field but he would still do so…. It is also human to feel that way and wanting to stay back in a place where we are comfortable and where our loved ones are…. But if God chose to do that- stay in comfy heaven, we would still be lost….

Not only that, we were also exalted to reach out and “GO MAD”- Go Make A Difference! You can figure out what it means I suppose. The tendency is to be so enthusiastic and then to slip back into our lazy mode.

Another interesting thought would be about the mentor and mentoree issue. Why isn’t it happening? How to go about getting one and what are the commitments related to it? To me, it is difficult, as many people are not ready to be open and honest with one another. Moreover, the busy schedules aren’t helping much either. But if there is a will, there would be a way.

(My thoughts are all jumbled up, coz this was about 2 weeks ago). Lastly, the thing which struck me would be the fact that the speaker mentioned: At the age between 20-30, it is the time that we form important life principles, which will affect the rest of our lives. What are my principles and values? Are they in line with what I hold on dearly to or are they distorted by other views or the pressures from the world? I am still wondering…. It seems that I know what I want, but in fact, I am not too sure… If you feel the same way too, I suggest that we cling on more closely to the Captain of our lives.

Well, the retreat ended on a happy note and a funny prize-giving ceremony. We left camp, bringing home with us many fond memories, chuckles and challenging thoughts, wanting to live them out….

In conclusion, retreats or family camps, as some call it, are really a time for a simple family reunions. I gazed upon each family, trying to share in their happiness. It is not so difficult this time round. Funny, maybe I have gotten used to it. Anyhow, at certain moments, I still felt that a part of me was missing, as it once again dawned upon me that my folks are still not part of this (happy but not perfect, yet loving) family that I am in now…. Someday, someway, somehow…..

-PC-

Exciting Month

2005-06-26T19:35:00.000-07:00

Have been MIA as the past month has been exciting (for me at least). The past school holidays came and gone but there was no breather for me. Went for a course for teachers and had a gala time. We had classes after classes and the course (1st semester?) ended with a camp.

Learnt much from the course especially about the aspirations of our leaders in matters pertaining to the national education. Education is not just a head thing but it comes down to the soul, body and mind. Allow me to elaborate: According to the National Philosophy of Education (I am paraphrasing), education builds the whole being of a student- intellectually, spiritually, emotionally, physically and socially. In turn, this "developed" student will contribute to the country and society in a responsible manner.

Looking around at my friends, many of our teachers did succeed. However, there are also some failures and the responsibility passed on to us now is heavy. Students today can be more teachable. They face much more challenges, distractions and temptations. Many succumb to them, are comfortable with it and do not want to change? How can we build a love for knowledge in them? Many of them have life easy, think it will last forever and are not taught to “fish.” I am concern, yet what can a freshie like me do? All I can say, the world needs more good teachers, students need to choose wisely and parents ought to be lovingly strict.

On a lighter note, the camp was quite fun and rugged. We pitched our tents by a lake in Malacca. It was very much like one of the orang asli camps I attended before. (Thanks to the “practice” sessions at the OA camp, I could survive this one.) The toilets had no flush and we had to “bucket” our own water for a bath. There was no fan/ air conditioner and the weather was not on our side. Came home with 3 shades of tan on my arms. We cooked our own food too. And it was kampung style- big frying pans and pots to feed a hundred people. At this point, I must salute a particular race in our country. They seem to be so at home and know what to do- guys and girls alike. They were so cooperative and skilled. Puts me to shame.

From the camp itself, I really learnt:-
1. Endurance and patience (It was really hot and uncomfortable!) And did I tell you that it rained for two nights and our tents weren’t good shelters? What about the flies that became our faithful companions? Someone cheekily said: If we could bear that camp, what is a little criticism from our superior, parents or the students?

2. To appreciate those who taught me. It isn’t easy to bring up kids who aren’t yours. Many a times, it is a thankless job. I may not have a teacher who died for me (or do I?), but there were some teachers who did so to others.

3. To understand other races and culture better. Well, majority of my friends now are of the same race as me. We may tend to forget how it is like to “hidup bermasyarakat,” just like in our school days. There are differences between the races and sometimes these differences are annoying. (Then again, everyone can be irritating in one way or another). But I am learning to look at them through the eyes of my God and to love everyone just the same. Besides, they have been good and kind friends to us. Oh yeah, we stayed in the hostel before the camp and it was a nostalgic experience, as I recall my uni days. Ah….. I miss so many things in life now….

Well, I am ending this entrée now. Want to write on another subject soon. Meanwhile, never stop learning or in seeking knowledge because it is suppose to transform you inside and out!

P/S: Met an interesting bunch of course mates too- some gals, some guys. They are young and fun too. Many of us know the same Lord and we share the same goals about teaching. Makes me feel that I am not alone. Of course, there were some super serious ones, the “working” type, the joker type and the ordinary ones. Haha! Oh, oh and kayakking in the middle of a swampy lake and jungle trekking with just a compass are really 2 really thrilling activities.

Typing off,
-Cikgu PC

Seize the Day

2005-05-29T17:29:00.000-07:00

Hmm.... have much to write. Not much time. Going for seafood dinner. Don't know where to start. Thoughts a little jumbled up.

Let's see... Well, have always thought of myself as proud. Coz there was one point in time that I felt invincible. I care for the people around me but thought that if there was an opportunity to go away to a far away place, I would gladly and felt that I had "no strings attached."

But in the past week, I realised something: I love my mum more than I know it. One of those days, she didn't come home though it was really late (er... like about 8 pm plus... Haha!) We were worried, as she was not like that. She left home at 2pm in the afternoon and didn't come home without a phone call and missed the "cooking time" (We were not just concern about the food, ok?). Dad was expecting the worst and told us to be prepared. I remember waiting outside (this time, not thinking about food), eagerly hoping to hear her usual 3 honks upon arrival. No news. I prayed intensely to God, asking Him to be gracious to her as she has yet to know Him and I have not been "pious" enough.

Shortly, she came home. (With the yummies, of course!). I really thank God for my mum, though I do not say it and usually behave in a cool manner. Just yesterday, she left for Europe. All the more we miss her as we have to shoulder all the responsibilities that she normally does. Super woman! Hmm.... what's with the sentimentalness? Well, it's still May and Mom's Day was not too long ago. Do tell mum you love her at anytime of the day, month or year, yeah?

Besides that, I too felt that I love my church but would be able to move on if it is needed. Until recently, I received 2 offer letters to further my studies. One, a Master's (Ah? Another 1? Crazy!) program and the other, a diploma. Had to decide in no time and I chose the latter after some advice/ consultation from the experts. The dip program will take place in Johor during the school holidays. I felt sad, as I wanted to go for the church camp. I really wanted to spend time with my church friends now. (Tell me about it: When you have something, you do not appreciate. When you lose something, that's when you learn to treasure it).

So I tried to appeal and change the location for the program. According to the offer letter, candidates were not suppose to do any appealing. But thankfully, upon calling them, they told me that the offer was jumbled up. I was to do the program in KL itself. Yes!! I love KL and still hope to go to Trolak during the weekend!! Let's hope. Moreover, the camp committee really sold the idea of "going to the hot spring" to me. Yea, let's have boilt eggs for breakfast!

Oh, something else: With mum away, dad would be the one who needs care the most. But oops! Not sure if I'll have to stay at the place or return home. Anyhow, cooking isn't a problem. The thing is, dad has aged over the years (like duh!). But I never truly comprehended that coz he is still up and about, only complaining about dizziness at times. Tend to see it as "something small." He has high blood pressure though he is thin. Guess it is something that comes with age.

Most of all, perhaps he is a bit lonely. He is slowing down on his business. He seldom talks to us. It's a "Chinese man" sort of thing, I suppose. But something peculiar happened last night: 2 people came to our house. They were from a group that practices some form of Chinese exercise. Yet, there is some form of spiritualism attached to it. Dad used to follow the exercises and mentioned that some group members' had their "third eye" opened. When the visitors came, dad had a good chat with them. It made me think: He spoke so much to the strangers. Where have I gone wrong? If I do not get to him, someday, someone else will...

Hmmm..... I hope that we will all seize the time and opportunity to do what is needed, especially that which is so dear and close to our hearts.

Seize the day,
-PC-

Stupid Cupid Stop Picking On Me....

2005-05-22T06:59:00.000-07:00

With full respect to whoever related to this, this title was chosen coz it's catchy. Not trying to insult anyone, ok? Cheers! Hmm... how to start on such a sensitive topic? Don't laugh ok?

Last Saturday was the much anticipated wedding of two of our dear friends. They were a cool couple and were (are?) very much in love with each other. A great way of celebrating for them-a grandeur wedding! Of course, many of us were invited for the dinner. And as usual, at weddings, we laughed and joked about many things and also on the ever favourite topic-of each others' status! "Eh, when's your turn ah?" Even got teased by someone who is more "senior" and is "available" himself. Well, it is all done in good fun! So, no sweat! :P

Funny, the theme of that night dragged on to this weekend. There was a seminar held in church entitled "No Apologies." It's quite good though I did not attend the full thing. Only went for the session on Sunday. Learnt alot from the speaker in that short time. He basically spoke on abstinence from pre-marital sex. But there was more. The part which really struck me was: 1. Don't be pressured into anything. 2. Got a list of virtues that you look for in someone? Make sure you have them too. 3. Get know someone well before startinng." Well, have always agreed to that. The talk ended and as usual, the teenagers will be nudging and teasing me. Ok, stay cool!

Almost immediately after I went downstairs, one of the aunties came up and whispered: "This is serious. Do you want me to introduce someone to you? There is a nice guy whom we know. He travels alot and so do not have much time to "look around." We usually don't do this kind of thing but he is a nice guy etc..."

Don't misunderstand, this aunty is a great lady. Told her that I really appreciated what she did. In a way it was an honour to be "introduced" to someone. Coz that meant that I am "qualified" or "good enough" to be match made(?). But told her frankly that I just can't bring myself to do that. What am I going to do when I meet this guy, having a foreknowledge that the whole purpose of the set up is for...? It's cool to be friends but doing this just ain't me. Really kah? Thought further.... is it also because of him? Well, he did also come to mind when the aunty spoke on this. Then I realised that perhaps my heart is elsewhere. (Cheh!) And didn't the seminar emphasized that it is best to be friends first before "you know what...?" How about God in this whole matter? I believe that He gave us a heart for a reason. That confirmed the whole thing. Am quite sure that the right decision was made! Yay!

Back home, I cheekily asked mum for her opinion. Of course, she gave me a long lecture on the matter. "You should have agreed etc..." Mum's always the worried one. Dad was cool. Love him for that. He usually does not speak much but his words were wise: "You know the person? If not, just stay away." Yeah, at least we have something in common. Telepathy! Nee no nee no tit tit tit!

Probably you are thinking: Give the guy a chance. Be his friend first la... But what's the point of leading someone on when you know or have decided that it's not going to happen? Or can love be developed? Or will there be regret someday? Nay with full assurance! Am quite sure of what I want and don't.

Isn't it funny how Mr Cupid (if there is such thing as a cupid) plays tricks on you? The one you actually like gives you the cold shoulder while those whom you just can't like, are always hanging around? That's the mystery of love. Meanwhile, if any of you gals out there need help, let me know. Will call the aunty for you. As for him, he better do something before I change my mind and allow myself to be "introduced away." :P

Lastly, enjoy your youth! (I am SO young at heart! And memang young. No need intro intro all! Unless he has got the 5Cs :P Actually, if he loves God and if we're already friends will be cool:)) Don't think about what you do not have. Have fun with you friends. Be desperate not. Laugh, even when cupid's arrow goes astray.... "Do not awaken love until it is much desired" (somewhere in the Song of Solomon).

The perasan gal who likes outdoor stuffs and can't believe all these are happening,
-PC-

Lovey dovey...

2005-05-14T11:07:00.000-07:00

In Ronan Keating's "You Say It Best When You Say Nothing At All", I quote: "All the long, can hear people talking about love."

Ever wonder why people talk so much about love? That's because everyone needs it. However, love is painted very palely and is very much distorted in the real world today. Love is always about a guy and a gal la dee da...

But do you know that there are many types of love? There is also something as love between parent and child, love between (just) friends, brotherly and sisterly love AND love between God and humankind (Huh?).

However, many of these are alien to us because our views are so marred. No, this is not an attempt to preach but merely an observation about the subject.

Let me ask you: Can you still be friends with someone whom you have "broken up" with? Many will say "No." If he (or she for the matter) doesn't want me anymore, I wish him the worst.

Ahah! Is that really love then? That is what I call "IF love." IF he loves me, I will love back. Otherwise, I'll hate him.

Consider this:
If you love a person, wouldn't you want the best for him, even if he chose to "dump" you?
If you only love him IF he loves you, that means you do not really love him because you do not want the best for him or respect his choice. So why stay so bitter over someone that you do not really love?

This is not an airy fairy concept which I invented. It's from experience. Liked someone before in the past. Never told anyone except a good gal pal who ended up with him. Was a little disaappointed in the beginning (who wouldn't be) but as I grew up, I realised that they were my true friends and spoiling a beautiful friendship isn't worth it!

To cut a long story short, we are still good buddies. The guy still shares stuffs with me (struggles, probs, happy times) but it is purely platonic. (Hey dudes, hope you don't mind me sharing this, coz I feel a great need in doing so).

Second case: Another close friend is together with a guy I liked in varsity. When I knew about it, I took both their hands and placed them together, assuring them that it is all right and I'll always be their friend...

3rd case, liked another guy but he doesn't like my face but it's no biggie. Trying to keep the friendship but he is a shy fellow. Honestly, he is still a very dear brother and friend.

Did it hurt? Of course it did! Imagine, "losing" the guy you liked to your pals. But I cared for them from the depths if my heart and wish them the very best.

What spurs me? In the 1st story, I was really upset with my gal pal who kept thing hushed. Felt betrayed and fooled (Again, don't just trust your feelings, they play tricks on you). However, she assured me of her friendship and it was God's love that moved in me and changed my heart.

Now, it's not that things have changed very much about my "status" but I feel very fulfilled and happy (except for the ocassional nagging!). But what's love? Just to fill your loneliness, need for transport or just because everyone has one? Please do not settle for second best. It's better to be single than to dash into option no. 2.

Love is the most amazing thing in the world. It changes lives and people. Love because you really do, not just because your bio clock is clicking.

Moreover, they say: "Be a good companione to yourself. Then, you can be a good companion to your future partner."

Reconsider these words afresh:
Love is patient (Are you patient with him?), love is kind (Are you?). It does not envy (Are you envious?), it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails...

If you can't agree with the words above, then it means that you do not love that person after all. Why hang on so tightly to someone you do not love then? Move on. There are still many people out there who cares for you- parents, friends, sisters, brothers and most of all, God (though we do not feel it or think it is not needed) Do not hurt yourself. It hurts us to see you this way and we do not know what to do anymore. Cheer up for you do not know: A guy may be walking into a pole because he was watching you smile :)

Ok, enough said. Got to get ready. Got a wedding to catch. That's what I call "A Great Celebration!" No wonder love is in the air. Also have some Chinese songs playing in the background from my bro's laptop. Think they are love songs. Dunno what they are singing but the guitar strings are superb!

And here's to the loving couple: Congrats and may you have many years together in the Lord! Do continue to bless other together, as you have blessed me....

-PC-

Old kid on the blog....+ What a wonderful world!

2005-05-08T19:32:00.000-07:00

Suddenly, this blog doesn't seem that special anymore...

Contrary to many believes, I don't really talk much, especially about my inner thoughts. (Quote: 'Some men are more "woman" than women.' And vice versa. I assure you that I am "straight." This just means that some guys are more emotional and in touch with their feminine side but they are NOT gay. And I am not really an emotional kind of gal. Full stop.)

You mean no gal pals to whom you call up and say: "Hey I am feeling blue, having PMS la?" Nope, I don't. (Don't have PMS and don't call da gals, that is :P Haha!) My bill for phone calls is super low but I pay a bomb for SMSes la. It's just me. And this is just my place to express the unspoken words...

As written in the very first entree of mine, I am sorry if any of these stuffs here discourages, hurts or stumbles anyone. It's not the intention, really. Feelings are really like a roller coaster ride- you get ups and downs. So, with full sincerity, I ask for your pardon. Sowie lor...

This page doesn't feel special anymore because I feel a lil' refrained or even cooped up. Probably this will be my last few entrees before I close the blog down coz it didn't turn out the way it should- encouraging people, God-centered and building friendships.

Or am I afraid of gossips? I think not. Everyone has their own struggles and journey to walk. We really ought to edify one another instead of talking behind one another's back. If my sharing turns into some gossip, it's sad but I do not regret sharing coz hopefully someone will learn something from it.

Just the other day, a brother was "digging" for the story about my past love life (or the lack of it!). Don't really mind telling but what is the purpose? It is history. Will someone benefit from it? Will someone learn something about love? Or will it just create some "Uuuss" and "Ahhs?" (Oops! After this, maybe many people will come and ask about my history. Or maybe, I'm just thinking too highly about myself! Eek!)

Many people in church think that my fav topic is BGR. Far from it. It's such a personal thing. It's my "fav" coz many youngsters are "wondering" at this moment. Perhaps this little Ah Ma's experience will help an eeny weeny bit! :P

So what's my point? Well, apologies for this blog is not what it should be. Hope that you benefited somehow. Also want to say that I am sorry for not meeting your expectations as a friend, Christian, sister, child etc...

Thanks for all the comments, encouragements, words of advice etc... See ya around! Keep the faith always!

Old kid on da blog signing off, -PC-

Something extra to share:

Exercised quite regularly for the past 2 days. Just for the record: 10 rounds of brisk walking and 10 rounds of jogging. Cheh! Other days were interrupted by the rain or tempted by mum's yummy cooking and the call to "Eat 1st la." But only to hear an aunty say: "Fei cho" (Put on weight la). Sheesh! :P

But more important than losing weight is what I gained from the workout session. Realised that exercising is very much like the spiritual walk. "When the going gets tough, the tough gets going." The more tired you are, the more you should keep going (Not necessarily serving but walking in Him). Slow down but do not stop coz you will end up tired and giving up. (Please verify with any real athelete and do not just take this "runner-wanna-be's" word for it!).

After the jog, another interesting sight came, as I was cooling down. I saw kids playing, old folks tai-chi-ing, old couples taking a walk, handsome young adults going to work(???) and I could hear the lovely birds sing sweetly in the trees. No wonder the singer (Nat King Cole, I think. Not my era!) could pen these words (also just from memory, so please forgive me):

I see skies of blue,
Red roses too,
I see them bloom,
For me and you,
Then I think to myself,
What a wonderful world!

Laa dee da.... (forgot the words)

.... I see friends shaking hands,
Saying: "How do you do?"
They're really saying: "I love you."

And of course, the funny version:

.... Lembah Beringin,
There's where I want to be,
OH YEAH!

If only we could slow down and pause for a while, there is much beauty in the world for us to appreciate. So, 3 cheers to a what a wonderful world I live in... despite all the bumpy parts.... ;)

Want to end on a positive note, -PC-

What do you know?

2005-05-04T23:33:00.000-07:00

Say, what do you know?-About yourself that is. Do you really know who you really are? Do you know the very person whom you see everyday in the mirror, whom you do things for everyday?

Just realised suddenly that I:

1. Have been blogging alot on serious matters that it seems to give a BIG yawn.

2. Like to live in a community, as proven in my previous trip to Bidor. I still love living among people though they can be a pain at times. I felt warm seeing the host opening his home and welcoming people. Why go through all those hassle and trouble? Only His loves drives through.

3. Am quite emotionless these days. Being in the choir last year made me realise that I can't really potray my emotions well. Found it tough and a little uncomfortable. No wonder I was playing the roll of Mary the robot. LOL! It was a good exposure though. Wish I could learn to express myself better, especially to people whom I care for. Another reason for me being emotionless is also due to the fact that I don't really want to cause anyone to stumble-some feelings are negative. Moreover, I am unsure of my ever changing emotions. So expressing them seem confusing.

4. Can also live by myself though it would be less meaningful and dynamic, as there is no opportunity to really reach out.

5. Still love the outdoors alot though I am aging. :P

6. Wish that I can do something really meaningful, special and out of this world.

Ok la, enough for the moment. So , enjoy getting to know yourself, the most unique and complex person around.

Cheers, -PC-

Blue Hoo...

2005-05-04T23:16:00.000-07:00

Thought I'll just spend a quiet evening instead of running around too much. Didn't do much writing though there were 2 days of public holiday for the past 2 weeks.

On the holiday which fell on a Thursday, my CG decided to go skating. Used to enjoy it very much when I was younger but less now. Took a cab to Pyramid. The taxi driver was a nuisance. He didn't have change and scolded me instead. Not that I gave him RM 100 or RM 50 for the matter. It was only 10 bucks and some coins. I even volunteered to run down to the nearby stall to buy something just to get change coz I didn't want to "owe" him anything. Well, that sort of spoilt my mood but didn't want to let the "little person" get the hang of me.

Last weekend, some of the YAFers went to Bidor. Didn't make it for the Gua Tempurung trip, as my friend had to work and she was my guest. Moreover, there was YF in the evening. But we managed to go to the Bidor waterfalls . From the account given, the trip to the caves was really breathtaking and adventurous. Never mind, there will always be a next time. The family who hosted us was superb too! They were really warm, loving and really depicted the hospitality, as mentioned in the Bible. Thank God for their testimony, dedication and loving kindness. Besides that, we also took over the Sunday School session in the Bidor church. It was a great experience and I can see that a good work is happening there.

Yet another pressing thought which is in my mind would be about some friends:
1. Ever had a friend whom you really care about but just can't seem to reach out to that person? That's how I feel right now. Not that we had any arguments or what but we just drifted apart. Really want to be a friend to that person, yet I have to hold back for it is that person's wish, though I gave the assurance that we will still be friends no matter what. Don't want to seem to "try to hard" and wanted to give that person a choice. We went some place together in a group. Realised that I made effort to talk to everyone but had to drawback on this friend. At one time, I tried to pass a drink to that friend through another person but it wasn't wanted. Yet another time, that friend called out to me, for a chat I thought, but merely to close the door to an air-conditioned room. Can you imagine how I feel? Then again, my feelings will be quickly swept aside... Grip hold of yourself and stand up again...

2. Feel quite far from my Friend above. It's a difficult feeling to describe. I know He is near, yet I feel far. As the saying goes: "If you feel far from God, guess who moved?" It's really got to be me and I don't seem to get pass the gap between us. Things felt worst when a friend reminded me that we need walk close to God before serving. I know that full well, yet the truth is harsh. My friend meant well. It's just my struggle at the moment. Somehow, for me, serving enables me to see God's love and Him at work. I thought that being in a small group would help me to give and get the support which I need. However, that doesn't seem to be the case. I questioned Him: Why don't You provide me with someone to be accountable to and for, which is so frequently mentioned in Your Word? Never thought of myself, as a teacher or mentor but merely a friend. Why am I "called" and yet You reject me, O Lord? Perhaps I have been so wrong all these while... I give up everything. I am tired of trying to explain or prove myself to anyone. Just want to be who I really am and to sit at Your feet, as a little girl, learning and listening to You, O God... I am fed up of what people say or what they ask me to do. I just want to be free... May it be so....

Ah.... feeling more relieved now. It's bedtime. Am glad that the test papers are ready. It's the time of the year for the school students-Mid Year Examinations. Will be busy again after tomorrow. Yet, I hope there is time to do the things that matter most to me...

Feeling a little blue hoo,
-PC-

Pinky Potty...

2005-04-17T05:40:00.000-07:00

Awaken by an SMS at 4am, I just can't seem to go back to sleep. Some crazy friends out there. Or it must be the after effect of the 1.5 cups of coffee, which I forced down my throat in order to finish up the 3 in 1. Feeling a bit hungry-both physically and spiritually. Always knew that coffee and late nights awake are "health-threatening." Cheh...

But I think the real reason would be some stuffs I have in my mind. Can't seem to really talk with Him these days. Writing seems to be an option.

The week went by pretty well. Was quite tiring, as we prepared for Parents' Night in school. It was practice, practice and more practice. Had to "baby-sit" for at least 4 hours straight and thereafter came classes and teaching. Friday finally came and the event went on well. My class performed good too. All the "nagging" paid off in the end. The only thing was the encounter with a fussy father who took other people's seat and refused to move. Had to get him a chair. Sigh... rich people and their "weight." The night ended on a happy note as the kids and VIPs danced to the tuned "She wore an itsy-bitsy-tiny-winy-yellow dotted-bikini..." :P

On Saturday, it was a funny. Hung out with da kids in school again. This time it was a school trip to the MPO. It was specially planned for kids and the "BIG" kid here enjoyed thoroughly too, as the orchestra joined forces with a clown who immitated Mozart. Planned to go back much earlier but was delayed due to the late arrival of a parent. Couldn't leave the kid stranded alone.

Next was YF. The session was good. Some Christian parents were sharing their views on parenting in order to help the youths to understand their folks better. It was a heart-warming session for me, as the parents confessed their love to the the kids and I couldn't help but think my folks and their salvation. How I wished they could be my guide in His ways... How I long to have someone to look up to! A parent also noted that the responsibility is heavier on a believing child than the non-believing parents. Hmmm.....

Thereafter, it was time for "food glorious food" followed by a training session on "small groups." You know, I always feel unfit and unworthy for this, due to my own walk these days. I may not show it or say so but deep inside, there is this gnawing feeling...

Anyhow, fast forwarding to the present moment, I am now thinking alot about the future once again. Many people around me are either changing or looking for a job. Mum was bugging me to go for a walk in interview in one of the big companies around: "You got to fend for yourself. Don't forget, you are of a different faith from us. If you manage to fly away, you can have all the freedom you want!" That was yesterday. Obviously, I didn't go due to some unspoken reasons.

Some people once again asked me of what's to come ahead. Well, I am contented with my present situation, though I know there is much more that can be done. Some friends are getting jobs in a high-flying company and another is working for a rich relative. You can't help but feel "left behind."

Lord, why are people much younger doing so much better? They are Your child and so am I. They seem to be "born with the silver spoon" and I am just an ordinary folk. Lord, why do they always have the easier way but not me? (The "sitting on the pity-pot mode" mode has just been turned on).

Lord, I have no beauty to rely on,
Nor riches, fame, family nor anyone,
You are my only hope, pillar and tower,
Yet I feel far away from You...

Lord, You alone are my stronghold and security,
Not the things or the people in this world,
Am I weird? Why do I feel different and alienated?
Perhaps I am and You the only One who knows me fully and truly...

"More of You and less of me..." Really, when I look away from myself towards others, that's when I know how greatly blessed I really am.

Aik, Mum is already up. We are going to vist the graves today (literally). A new day has begun! Smile and arise from the potty.....

-PC-

Flashback

2005-04-10T04:50:00.000-07:00

Just another flashback on the week that just went by before I start a new one.

The weekdays were ordinary- with school, studies, kids and a crazy teacher shouting at the top of her lungs. Managed to talk to some kids though and chatted online with them. I think that sort of bridged the gap between us a little.

Friday came and went. Tada! Saturday finally arrived. Went to check out my results at the notice board displayed in the faculty. Anxiety swelled up. Hmm... no matter how many times you sit for exams, there is always worry when you receive your results. Didn't really study for the last semester (or all the semesters for that matter!). "Please help me,O God!"

Mom came with me. Funny! I collected all the major results on my own. She congratulated me! I was really glad that I have finally completed these 2 LONG years in UM.

I recall the time when it 1st started. Feeling dumb and stupid (still do!), I really wanted to quit the course. It was tough, having to make my way to night classes after work for 3 times in a week. Moreover, the fees were at my own expense and there was a loan waiting to be settled.

Having all these classes made it hard for me to do what I really wanted to do-hang out with friends, have time for myself and do things in church.

Nevertheless, He helped me. Last December, I took the courage and joined the Christmas choir. It was a decision that I did not regret. Yet I wondered how I did it without "dying." The schedule: Work-class-choir. Now, just working alone and then coming home makes me sleepy and tired. Haha!

All praise be to God for seeing me through all these years! Yet, I still feel a lacking inside. Honestly, not any amount of studies can actually fill the void in a human heart, which is really, a God-shaped vacuum...

SUNDAY: Everything went on as usual. Both the sermon and the Bible discussion were impactful and encouraging. I guess all those are head knowledge that need to sink deep into the heart. Decisions.... don't we all have to face it all the time?

Later in the afternoon, I managed to hang out and catch up with an old pal. We went shopping together. Something which I rarely do with a friend. It was sweet fellowship and those moments are greatly treasured.

However, the friend has left church for another one. Well, at least the faith is kept and there is nourishment from elsewhere. I sure hope that we will all continue to reach out to those who need His touch and to love them sincerely. Isn't it funny that many of us "grow up" in church but yet feel an alienation towards each other? I do feel that way at times. I believe that it is sin at work-trying to break us up. May we rise above it and to love unconditionally, as He commanded us to.

To Miss with love....

2005-04-03T17:59:00.000-07:00

Ahah! Gotcha there! This is not a posting about my love life. Read on to find out what it is about. "To Miss with love" is actually adapted from the movie and song "To Sir with love." I am not very good in remembering movie and story lines but I think it was about a teacher who loved his students very much.

Well, for those of you who do not know, I have been teaching since the beginning of this year. Many have asked me about it and sometimes I feel uncomfortable talking about it. The feeling still comes on and off every now and then.

But why? Well, I am teaching in the primary level and it isn't exactly what I was hoping for, as I wanted to teach older students. Anyhow, it's been all right, thus far. Secondly, my mom is a teacher herself. She loves teaching but discourages me to do so. "Is this what you really want to do? Why don't you join the corporate world?" But hello? Aren't you glad that someone wants to follow after you?

Honestly, I do have mixed feelings about what I am doing. There is indeed great satisfaction in teaching, hanging around and joking with the students. It's really fulfilling when students do well and thank you for it. But I can't help but ask sometimes, "Will I be stuck in this forever? Will I be able to grow, progress and earn big bucks?" Then, we return to the questions of: "What is my calling and what is God's will?" Well, I do not know for sure if this is what God wants me to do, but am sure that there isn't enough teachers out there.

It is also funny that the papers recently reported that "Unemployed graduates will be absorbed into teaching." Why make teaching the last choice? Just imagine if our teachers were to have that mentality- Would we have the knowledge level that we have today? It's also saddenning that teachers are not appreciated by students and not highly regarded as an occupation. In my opinion, the "best" should teach as they are the ones who will shape the minds of the future generations. And it is not just about head knowledge but also about shaping the inner and outer being of a student. For that, a dedicated, loving and caring teacher is much needed. This can only happen when we have the love which comes from above.

As for those questions which I posed earlier, I continue to grapple with them. Yes, I have dreams, hopes, goals and plans of my own. However, they don't seem to be unfolding anytime soon. Yet, I am comforted that nothing happens without God not knowing about it. He knows everything and is capable in giving me immeasurably much more than I can ever ask or imagine.

O Lord, help me to love the students whom You have given me charge over. Enable me to be patient, gentle and kind in all circumstances, even though they may be naughty or may not be listening. Empower me to love, teach and mould them as You would. Amen....

To (trying to) Miss (Tan) with love,
-PC-

A Quarter Through Life....

2005-03-26T17:16:00.000-08:00

Let's see: How is my schedule/ how has it been?

Have about 15 minutes before I have to start getting ready for a steamboat affair this evening.
Went to paint a church last weekend in the jungles of Kg Limbahan, Pahang. Another write up on that episode some other time.

Ah... I do enjoy life these days. I said bye-bye to exams last Wednesday and it sure feels good to be as free as a bird. Haven't had such a time as this for a long long time. Now, I can just focus on work, church stuffs, friends, people at home and people important in my life. Hmmm.. but I have been having crazy thoughts about furthering my studies still. ("What the...?") It's still subject to change. Gotta check out the funds available and how many marriage proposals there are in line(?) Hahah!

That's the thing with us humans isn't it? Always running after things, one after another. There just isn't any end to it. Honestly, life seems to be a big chase. It's like "chasing after the wind."

Don't you think that many of our lives spell the word "worry"? First we worry about our studies-kindy, primary, secondary, tertiary etc... Many of us finish college or uni and worry about entering the workforce. We then worry about either running after more money, more paper qualifications or a gal/guy. Then we worry about buying stuffs, lots of it. After that comes marriages worries, followed by worrying for the kids, their studies, work, property, love life, death and the cycle continues...

At times, I wish I could get out of this cycle called "the norm." During other times, I fear the unknown and wish to just join this realm and track marked out for human kind.

Or would it be crazy to do something different/ noble?-To go to a far far away land and care for the needy or less fortunate. What will my folks think? Will they blame and label me as "did not care for them?" How will life be there?

These are some of the issues that "young adults" have to go through. I call it "quarter life crisis." Many of us are searching for our purpose in life, our sense of belonging, identity and calling. "How is my career going to be? How much will I get? Is the job fulfilling? What about my colleagues? What will I own? Who will I maryy? When will I marry? Will I marry at all? How many kids will I have? How about their future? When will I die? How will I die?"

Life has many questions and they are valid. But some are important ones, some are just full of 'Is.' It's all about 'me.' I hope that we will get the answers to life's important questions, as we enter a quarter through life. Gladly, we have a hope and many of life's later questions have been answered. As for those about our day to day living, I am glad that God gave us a choice. We can choose how we live, as long as it isn't against His given guidelines. So "Love God (meaning to obey Him)cand do as you please..." And God promised to walk with us through the journey of life...

-PC-

Letter of the 21st century....

2005-03-18T00:22:00.000-08:00

An email which I wrote to a bunch of fellas and I would like to be reminded of it sometime in the future...

Hi,

Greetings! Where do I begin? I remember getting an email sometime ago from some fella with a great sense of homour. Just laughed but deleted it after reading (confession, confession!) Tempted to do the same this time coz writing emails (not to mention starting a conversation!) seems to be an enormous task these days.

Then, my mind was brought back to Dec 2004 where we "retreated" to the seas of PD. A guy was sharing one night about his father, something he never usually did. He also exalted to know each other beyond the skin level and to be there for one another. Later, we all held hands and sang "Household of Faith," 'dengan penuh semangat', as we all wore the camp t-shirt. I don't know what you were thinking about at that moment, perhaps about the lovely gal next to you who was holding your hand. Well, I couldn't help but think of Kenny Cheah's sweaty and sticky hands. Lol! Actually, it was the opposite! Sorry, just turning the tables.

What's the point? Now, that same guy is making the effort to write though he is miles away. And his message is the same: "This is just another little *nudgenudge* reminder for you to take some time off and spend it with each other to explore your lives beyond the surface. It's not going to be easy, I know, but let's start somewhere. And let's carry each other's burdens." Are you not encourage or what? I mean, perhaps we will all try to care for each other and the fact is, we will sometimes forget/ slack in doing so and just slide back into our old ways. Some people feel discouraged and trash the whole idea. But don't give up. Keep encouraging your bros and sisters though it doesn't seem mutual. You will be surprised at what will happen! In giving you will receive.

Another thought: An elder shared yesterday about being spiritually on par as our age. We may be "young adults" but is our faith of teenage level? (But if I were to be as stong as when I was a teenager, that would be stronger than now). I don't think he meant to kutuk me/us, but he sure struck a chord in my heart (I think it was C major, definitely not a minor key. LOL!) Let's really grow, as we also serve, teach or lead others. He was sharing from his heart saying that he will not live forever. Someday, someone will take his place. It will probably be us and he hopes that we will continue the legacy. It was as if he was making a request from us. It wasn't easy for LC to become what it is today. She went through many obstacles.

Besides that, when probs arise, take it on, head on and don't just disappear from church. This is your family, our family... Sorry, we are stuck, people! :P Remember the song: "I am happy to be stuck with you and I can see that you are happy to be stuck with me?" Funny!

Yet another sharing from Wed BS from my group: "Nowadays, we don't really get encouragement from the people leading. Not like how Paul encouraged Timothy." Well, sometimes encouragement is 2 ways. Do you want to be corrected or is my life is solely mine and is none of your business? I don't think there is a definite right or wrong here. Just a matter of preference. We don't need to disclose our deepest darkest secrets but we are called to be accountable for each other. To me, it's a matter of choice. And may we learn to encourage others as Paul did. He did it through letters, maybe we can do so through SMS, ICQ, MSN, f2f, h/p etc.

Ok la, enough liao. Btw, are there tigers in Kg Limbahan? I've been dreaming alot about getting a tiger's skin, as a carpet. Haha! God bless!

With this, I thank you for putting up with my nonsense for so many (monkey?) years, -PC-

P/S: Oi, nasi lemak sememangnya sedap sehingga menjilat jari! And gals play footie too. I think there is a competition for gals tomorrow organised by the Malaysian program-3R. Too bad, no kaki and I am going kai kai!

Moody Musician...

2005-03-12T13:51:00.000-08:00

A moody musician,
Has lost her goal and vision,
Her guitar strings have busted,
She lost some band members she trusted.

The tune of her piano is off,
And when she sings, the key is off,
Her set of drums has a hole,
She feels that she is growing old.

Moody musician feels like giving up,
"There is no joy in my cup",
But wait, even so, there is a Faithful Fan,
Who wants her to continue her band.

The Fan will always be here,
He will always be around to cheer,
At every song, He promises to hear,
Moody musician's songs will ever be dear.

Moody musician wants to forget the moods,
She only wants to be good,
At playing for the one and only Fan,
All the way til the end...

Jesus, You are my Best Friend, You are my Best Fan.

To Him I shall always sing and play music for, eventhough my instruments are rusty and my voice is husky... LOL!

I was made to praise You,
I was made to glorify Your name,
In every circumstance,
To find a chance to thank You.

I was made to love You,
I was made to worship at Your feet,
And to obey You, Lord,
I was made for You...

Dreamer...

2005-02-25T21:49:00.000-08:00

They say I'm a dreamer,
Blind and cannot see,
And if that's what I am Lord,
Won't You care for me?,
I want to be like,
The Man of Galilee...

I want to walk like,
I want to talk like,
I want to be like,
The Man of Galilee...

Again...

2005-02-21T01:06:00.000-08:00

It's been another memorable day. I do not know what made me do so. But I finally know what I need to know. It wasn't easy but I am glad that through the help of God, I was able to let go and encourage that friend, eventhough it was a sad happening. It's heart shattering and many questions were left unanswered. At times, I wish I did not sought out the answer. But I did. Surprisingly, it gets less and less painful when you go through more of it again and again. Anyhow, I can still say that God was honoured through it all... Ain't that the most important, at the end of it all?

Techy...

2005-02-18T20:49:00.000-08:00

Just spent almost 50minutes blogging and and it all got lost within seconds. Sob! Sob! Now, I am feeling quite lazy to restart!

Life, O Life...

2005-01-29T21:40:00.000-08:00

Well well, it’s the weekend again with just a week to CNY. General, nothing really dramatic happened which struck a loud chord in my heart. But I am feeling happier and more cheerful this week. Do not know why though. Maybe it's coz my oral assessment has been postponed. That was a major stress up!

There isn't much to write about this week but there are lots to write about on the past week and month. Maybe another time.

Ok, I remember something now: Was watching Astro on one of the channels. The program showed an interview with some tornado survivors. (I am bad at remembering facts) but I think it happened in Oklahoma. The tornado was unusual and there were 2 of them side by side (very unusual) which lasted for about an hour and a half. The victims were practically thrown out of their house about 100 miles away.

A family of 4 survived except for the wife of a 60 plus year old man. She died at his feet, crushed by the heap from the collapsed building, which was on her. His grand daughter was 10 months old and she survived unharmed as well even though she was torned and tossed away from her mother's arms. The lady was recorded saying: "That was the happiest day of my lfe, as I got my daughter back but it was also the saddest day of my life, as I lost my mom."

What can I say? It sounds like what happened around the globe just recently. The tsunami is so talked about that we become numb. We don't really understand or feel it because it did not happen to us. But thanks to the TV, after viewing the program today, I am glad that I could feel sad and was greatly moved by tradegies.

Yes, God knows what is happening. Yet we ask: Why are bad things happening? If there is a God, why didn't He do something? The fact is, the tragedies happened not only because we have sinned and shut God out of lives. It's happening because we are harming and destroying our earth.

Yet, God protected some people. Yet some survived. Isn't it time to thank God and return to Him? Isn't it time to take better care of our earth? And, think about it: God has been proven to be merciful. Isn't God going to provide a way out for the even worse things to come? He did, if only we would take heed. And let's not take the people around us for granted.

Life , O life... It can be beautiful...

Can You reach my friend...

2005-01-23T01:16:00.000-08:00

Oh wow wee! I sure missed blogging. Never knew it was that long ago til a friend said "Hey, you haven't updated your blog for some time now." Never thought that people will actually stop by and read these stuffs here. Thanks, man!

Was just reading someone else's page. Man, I sure feel sad. Didn't know that she was going through so much. That's the thing about me, always seems busy and hardly have the time for the important things in life: "I'll get to it soon."

Procastination is really the thief of time. Some things, you just got to do it there and then, to capture the mood and emotions of it all- like writing down how you feel, like being there for a friend, like just praying and hanging out with God.

That's why I am sitting here in the wee hours of the morning, trying to be in touch with the me inside... Cheh wa...

How about her? How can I get to her? She is always keeping it all to herself. Tell her: "Hey, read your blog. How's the going?" Ah... shy ler. What if she just says she's ok?

To have a friend is really to be a friend. Why is it ever so hard to make a call or to start that conversation? Why can't you initiate some thing?

Maybe it is just my past. Friends come and go, parasiting, as they come along. Why have good friends when someday, it will all end again?

Gal, it's not about you now. It's about being a friend in need. That's a friend indeed!

Lord, I know very well and all along that, You alone are my strength. When you fill me, that's when I can give. When I am empty without You, I'll be selfish. Lord please fill me with Your abounding and incredible love... Amen.

This song's for you, friend:
Verse 1 :
I got a call from an old friend,
And we laughed about how we have changed,
But I could tell that things weren't as well as she claimed,
She tried to hide her feelings, but they only gave her away,
The longer I listened , the more I kept wishing, I knew the right word to say...

Verse 2:
We talked for more than an hour,
And I smiled when she mentioned Your name,
I said I knew You can told her the difference You made,
She never thought she needed You,
But maybe she's changing her mind,
As we said goodbye Lord,
She told me that I have found,
Something that she'd like to find...

Chorus:
Can you reach my friend,
You're the only One who can,
Lord, I know that You love her, so make her understand,
Can you reach my friend,
Bring her searching to an end,
And Lord, help her bring her heart to You...
Lord, help her give her lonely heart to You...

And Lord, let all our hearts be given to You...

Goodbye my friend....

2004-11-30T00:15:00.000-08:00

Sometime this year,
I found a friend so dear,
Who would cheer and jeer,
You wouldn't mind but would laugh til you tear.

But somehow this year,
I have lost that ear,
And can only look back with a sad "eyer",
And miss the friend I thought was sincere....

Goodbye my dear friend....
Whether you are in stress or laughter, my well wishes are always with you....

Shalom my friend! Shalom! Shalom!

2004-11-27T01:30:00.000-08:00

Hieee! Shalom!

It's me again. I am getting the hang of this. Seems like my favourite spot/ hang out place nowadays. Got lots to share. Oh, someone dropped by too. "Thank you, whoever you are :) Take care, see you."

Well, it's the weekend again and was just thinking back on what happened throughout the week.

Just came back from Swensen's where we celebrated a friend's birthday. She just turned 19- younger than me, my sister's age. Feeling happy as the dessert was good :) Earthquake- yummy, with 16 flavors!! Not to mention that my cough has worsen now. Heck! Who cares?

Which made me think... my group of friends sure have changed alot throughout the years. I am hanging out more with people younger than me. A cool bunch all together. Maybe that's because I am involved in YF in church. It's a youth group thingy. Just helping out there.

Hmmm.... over the years, many people have crossed my path. Some really left an impact and fond memories in my life. Sure miss those dudes. As I walk through life, I realised that friends come and go. Just as you thought you have made a good buddy, that person leaves for a new country etc... Wonder if I'll ever have real friends again. True friends are really hard to find, you know.

Maybe that explains why I am quite emotional "independent." Or am I? Some people say that I am. Not sure. Perhaps it is a good thing. I am learning to depend on God more. He really is a true and unchanging Friend, Who already understands ALL about me. One of my favourite songs which I learned in the CF at uni really expresses this. It's in BM:

"Ada satu Sobatku (or sahabat in Indonesia or friend) yang setia,
Tak pernah Dia tinggalkan diriku,
Di waktu aku susah, waktu ku sendirian,
Dia selalu menemani dirku.

* Nama-Nya Yesus (X2),
Nama Yesus yang menghibur hatiku,
Nama-Nya Yesus (X2),
Nama Yesus yang menghibur hatiku..."

Sing/ croak the song for you someday? Webbek!

Nevetheless, I still appreciate friendships. Recently, a group of gals a little senior to me, wanted to form some sort of a support group. Well, I told them that many efforts were made before this. But they never really lasted. Still, I would want to give it a try. However, I would need time to adapt and to learn to share. It's really no pressures. Friendships are not made in a day and it is something that happens both with effort and naturally.

Friendship isn't a parasitish thing either. It's a symbiotic relationship. You can't expect someone to be by you all the time. It is unfair or maybe even unhealthy to expect so. On the other hand, it's also sad, as that can't possibly happen in this modern individualistic life.

Thus, so much gracefulness is needed, as not to choke your friend with too much of you and to be around long enough to show that you care. Whatever it is: "To find a friend is to be a friend." And perhaps we can consider having a Special Friend, Who's line is never busy, Who'll never be choked by you and Who is always around for you.

So "old" friends out there, I know you are busy. Take care wherever you are. To my new and current friend: Thanks for sticking and standing by me.

-PC-
"A close friend sticks closer than a brother."
P/S: Shalom means "May God be with you," think so.

Ouchy! Gummy!

2004-11-25T13:10:00.000-08:00

Shhhhreeeekkkk! Eeeeeeeekkkkk! Wooooooooosssssssshhhhhhhhh! Gluk! Gluk! Gluk! Nah, that's not the latest sound effects from the TGV cinemas. It's the noise I hear loud and clear, as I visited the dentist exactly a week ago. It's the sound of the drill, scaling machine and heheheh.... me gurgling!

I do not know what happened exactly but from the sound of it, it seemed that the appointment started off with him scaling off the top of my tooth. Then, he cleaned up the insides (Eeee.... I am SO specific!) "Open wider." My lips and mouth seemed to have been stretched as far as the east is from the west. Ouch! The side of my lips cracked as well. The "kemarau" or dry lips "season", which I have been experiencing, was an additional burden too. I began to tear, as my fists were clenched in endurance. No la, wasn't going to punch Dr Dentist. Finally, the doctor placed a temporary "cement" thingy (or whatever you call it) to cover up the tooth. "See you at the next appointment in 2 weeks."

Today, a week after the dental meet up, I feel some pain again. The "cement" coating feels thinner and exhauted. "Oak o" (the cute sound you hear when you get an ICQ message). Oops! Guess I have to hang in there for another week. So, if I do not talk much or feel grouchy, you will know why, huh? Be patient with me, ya?

Nevetheless, I still think that physical pain is not as bad as emotional or mental pain. Or is it? Aik! Ow! My tooth and gums just protested with a twitch. Oh ya, I am feeling the pinch in my pocket too. By the way, if you are wondering what went wrong: One of my tooth is dead. It's black already and I am going through a root kennel treatment/ some crowning thingy. Apparently, it will affect the other teeth if not attended to in due time. It costs a bomb and thereafter, I can save up on food (diet too!), as I won't be able to really bite!

"Why black already? So gross!" Well, the tooth is located at the back of my jaw. Can't really see it. Have been enduring and neglecting the pain (ya, I could stand it, wasn't too painful) all these while. Then, as I was yawning one day (just exaggerating), I discovered that it had changed colour. I just HAD to tell my mom and since then, she hadn't stopped nagging me about fixing the problem. But it's for my own good and you would just love moms for nagging at the right.

Conclusion: Kids, don't be like me. Brush your teeth at least 3 times a day and especially at night. Drink more water and milk for stronger teeth. Don't take so many sweets and visit your friendly dentist every 6 months once. Don't wait until a few (6?) years later, like yours truly here. Oh, use Oral B too, okie dokie? Heheh!

With teething problems,
-PC-
"Smile and let your beautiful teeth shine forth..."

Dear Bloggy...

2004-11-24T23:05:00.001-08:00

Dear Bloggy,

Finally found the time to write. Or rather, pushing away every thing else so I can just type a few bytes of alphabets here. Have been coming across many of other people's blogspots and they have been truly inspiring...

"Why blog?" A common question asked by fellow bloggers. Will attempt to set my objectives too.Well, for me, this will be the record of my journey through life... My spiritual walk with God whereby, when I just can't seem to pray, writing will be an option. It would be my soul searching territory, the place where I can think aloud or just simply an avenue to exercise the fat fingers of mine! Thus, this blog is actually good for the spirit, soul, mind and physic! :)

Besides that, I suppose it would be a spot to express my bottled up feelings, where it is always "inappropriate" to be shared elsewhere- being an Asian (quote and unquote), to render my frustrations, to share my joys or ups and downs. Ahah! And in future, maybe my cute little (rascal-ish?) grandkids can read ALL about the grandmama (That is, IF I even have grandkids!). It's really a natural theraphy for me to write. I am feeling good already....

I don't know... You may be part of this too :). But 1st of all, a word of caution: I may sound angry or disappointed with you on occassions. But as someone once said: "Feelings are like cicaks (BM word for lizard) on the ceiling!" You just can't trust them always. 1 minute Ms Lizzy is up there and the next minute she falls off the ceiling! (A faint analogy that feelings are not constant. That's why there is a term called "mood swings")

So, I am truly sorry if you would be hurt by this. Everyone is irritable and can be irritating sometimes and I am no exception! At the end of the day, I still want to share my life with you and would still want you to be part of mine. Let's make it a point not to have any ill feelings here, ok? And my apologies if I did step on someone else’s toes. Thanks. “Bear with each as you would want others to bear with you too….”

Hmm... well, this would be an arena to share my experiences too. Maybe you would go through the same thing someday and I hope you can find solace, comfort or even encouragement here. Maybe you can spare me an empathetic ear or some words of wisdom too!

Then, at times I wonder: “Am I so full of myself to blog and to write all about ME? Who would read? Would they laugh? Will gossips go on?” Well, I still choose to start this. Everyone goes through struggles of their own. It would be good if we can help our fellow folks to get through life and not make it harder for them. I am not afraid to be exposed, I guess… or would I? Heheh!

Aiyoyo! Next, the “I feel small” feeling creeps in. “Erm… my English vocabulary is so limited. Am so rusty now, after leaving school. Will this blog be boring? You know, movie buff I am not. Too busy “chasing after the wind la…” Argh! Enough! Wonder how I live with myself sometimes...

And finally, this would be the platform to laugh at myself and to clown around. I think I am funny but the growing up pains seem to have drowned my sense of humor. Alas! Must seize it before it is lost forever. That explains why this blog is named“Pinky Ponkie.” Remember the finger game you played when you were in shorts and 2 pony tail? Not to mention the missing 2 front teeth *Grin Grin*:-'Inky pinky ponkie, father bought a donkey etc...'?

Yup, I just want to relive the little girl in me and just to have fun here! :P Here, I can be who I want to be and to be who I really am…. Stick around for some stitches, will ya? ;) ;) Welcome to my world!

Just me, -PC-